Falucah Dreams

Another tour of Egypt today, totaling a whole two days. I acknowledge the miniscule perception that provides but allow me to enlighten you. Yesterday, the high temperature was a scorching 40 degrees celsius. That translates to 104 for all you fahrenheit Americans. When you traverse the desert plains of Egypt to look at camels and really old rocks, both your body and your mind start to question why the other agreed to follow on this tour.

Blah blah blah some other stuff happened. I thought I had the energy to write about but I was wrong. Moving on.

With Ray in town, our team (now in its entirety), decided Mr. Stokes should experience the falucah in all its glory. I hope all who may read this can handle some harshly vulnerable words from the heart. All week we've been contemplating the desire to submit and give God the authority deserved. There is something about a falucah that tweaks my perspective. Upon this crooked craft, I sat detached from the rest of the group. I think I made it the entire hour and a half without speaking a single word. Nay, I did mumble a few words to some hippie worship song Ray was teaching the rest of the party. He prefaced the entire encounter with a warning that if he felt the Lord speak about another, he would say something regarding the insight.

In all my insecurities, I expected, and prayed against, Ray to even turn his face in my direction. Mission accomplished. He didn't. My honest feelings? If I were honest, I'd tell you that it was the time was a bit hokey and yet I am not sure that I entirely believe that. He kept telling us to speak anything we had on our heart. As you may have guessed, I did not.

But you are special because there is a barrier between you and I, a face-saving process that keeps me from having to actually face up to any thought that you may think ill of. So in the spirit of catharsis, I will (ironically) vocalize the thoughts on "paper":

While the others were singing some song about God being better, I asked or He asked or some voice asked me if He truly was better. I wrestled with that for a while until it ended in a stalemate. With that topic indefinitely shelved, I moved a uncalled for and unpredicted distaste for our senior youth pastor. I am not entirely sure why but let me try and powerwalk through my thoughts.

At first, it was because I didn't like the way he sang. It always makes me think he is trying to draw attention to himself. On top of that, he was our guitar maestro. The challenge in my decided it was just jealousy. But at that same crucial moment, something else decided it was not just him. He embodied and personified every male mentor I could ever think of in my life. Every time I quietly exclaimed, "This man would teach me!" And they do. But never what I want to learn. Because they are leaders, they have more than a single person on their team and more responsibility than just watching over me. Just like me and the rest of humanity, they fall short. I blame them for this. Since this pastor is my new leader, he must endure the damage unintentionally done by previous leaders. Sucks for him.

This has been a process inching deeper with each falling sun. I have forced myself to believe that there is no man who can teach me to ride a mountain bike like a wild man. There is not a human who will teach me to read scripture with conviction. There are no people who really want to rub my back just because its nice. The deep longings of my heart are not filled in man. God has drawn me to the desert to rely on Him alone, just as I have been asking for 2 years now.

I am not sure if this is written any where but on the dusty pages of prayer books in heaven but for years now I've been requiring of God to take to a desert, to a place where I am required to look to him for every necessity of life - water, sustenance, shade. But when he took me to a real physical desert, I thought He was just being funny. I was wrong. The sweltering heat and arid sandy dunes are not just around the pyramids of Sakkara. A spiritual force has absorbed my ability to do anything on my own. Even these entries are not from my typical cognitive patterns, but it is as if once I arrived in Cairo all the senses received an amp. Well, maybe not all, but several especially important ones.

I had a point. I hope it has been made. Its 1am. I'm tired and we have church tomorrow morning. I need to rest.

I'd like to end with a quick shout out to all the peeps who actually read and comment on these seemingly endless blogs. Your encouragement is invigorating, reassuring, and effective. Keep telling me good things about myself. I put this at the end because the two and a half of you that actually read this far will see it. Most will not read for this long. Again, I thank you. Peace and Grace to all who believe.