Below are the daily thoughts that prevent my normality:
Attacks at every moment are difficult to defend. Remember the fortification of the King. His word is His sword. Defensive when required, offensive by nature. The swing of this mighty blade annihilates the oppressors.
Some days I have an influx and abundance of ideas. Others, I find these brilliant brigades immobilized and chronically cryogenic.
Why do words, like new cars, plummet in value immediately after they leave the lot of the mouth? I am restless with so much religious jargon. So many words have been exhausted, and should only be retired to return again in a retro-fashion with prodigal purpose. Forget the whales, save the words. (Its a pun. It means don't talk.)
And now I laugh, chuckle, smirk, and grimace at the sight of the schedule I've just been assigned to complete for myself. What is my objection to this structured lifestyle? Why do I constantly loathe responsibility?
Uninhibited. Uncovered. Undignified. These are what I seek. These are my longing. Why must we regard social invitations to present a united front, a perfect self? Did Christ ever admit ignorance? Or perhaps ignorance is not the item on the table.
A moment ago, I crashed through a door leading to what I thought would be our usual office. Within the minute, and it did take the full minute, my tread actualized not in stiff stale air, as is the norm, but instead to a humid mist of shy tears meek in presentation but bold in proclamation. Awkward, no. Jealous, desperately. There have been moments when the salty waters yelped for escape, but alas, the assumption of taught society sternly rebuked any welling or whelming proposing within my soul. How could such a superior entity as the soul be manipulated by a creature as duplicitous and serpentine as corrupted society.
I want a sword. A real sword. Like the kind that, in the past would have taken the head of some enemy. I want to battle. Its within me. To fight. Clank and assail with a bombard of silver steel upon an enemy as catharsis for the attacks received. As I pondered this, the voice of assumed wisdom crawled swiftly in, "You don't want to see war, boy. It scars." I lost my thought.
Upon a brother's trust steed, we strode gallantly toward a deserved lunch. Just as we began, an unsuspecting arrow of unexpected delivery announced its presence in my thigh. She asked, how are you, as would any gently cultured soul, and without biting as a posthumously desired upon the death of the conversation, I unwittingly replied a dull, ok. As if prompted, the next thought rose as like another arrow screaming to be launched back; "Such a loaded question. Ask only if you have the time and disposition to take the necessary responsibility to respond. Do you?" Or maybe even a simple "Heavy question; you sure you want to know the answer?" said with a smirk of sincerity. With this in mind; here is my motion, I motion we stop asking such questions. They place me (and assumed others) in a ethical quandary. Do we answer socially and save the person the time they intended to keep to themselves, allowing us to be passively polite; or instead answer with a lionheart and steal this self associated portion of the day? If you would like to keep your time to yourself, greet only with a greeting, such as hello, or good morning/evening, perhaps even a simple "I acknowledge your presence," for that is all a greeting serves to do. If your truly want to know me, you mustn't even ask these vague and ambiguous interviews but skip them all together and query the heart. Let the mind be free of mischievous responses. Let the heart do some talking. Deep cry to deep.
One last qualm for the day. When we address the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, why do we ask him to "just" do this or "just" do that? How about I just love another human being? Ever tried to "just" love someone. It is not a simple task. How about I just create a miracle from thin air? Or just create walking, talking, pondering man from dust? Yes, his power is more infinite than the greatest idea I've ever not put to use, however, is any kingdom work "just" a task? Why are our words with God more thoughtless, lacking intention, than those with our fellow sinners?
Uninhibited. Uncovered. Undignified. That is what I seek. This is where I want to be.
These former things are the plagues of a typical day. Most days I just want them to go away so I can adjust to normal society, but I cannot imagine living that way. Chew on them apples... you'll get applesauce.
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3 comments:
Kadesh 2006...Freedom. It's promised. It promises. Could it be the way to living the uninhibited life? Is the battle for those of us who seek with our whole hearts (or as much of our heart as we can) simply to let go and live each moment as if it's our last instead of worrying about the next moment while trying to balance the moment we're in? How did Jesus do this...fully present, yet fully aware of what was ahead? Did he keep a schedule? Did he make a plan? How would he ask or answer the inevitable "How ya doin'?
I'm praying today that you have a safe place to answer that question fully and also find those to whom you can ask it and be the compassionate listener. If not in Egypt, you know my email address!
Blessings...
Jan
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