Spiritual Whats?

For the past six hours we have been in Travis' flat with Ray Stokes, stabbing our minds, preparing them to marinate in the juices of his (but mostly scriptural) teachings.

Spiritual gifts.

Six hours of discussion/ lecturing on spiritual gifts is more than any faithful Church of Christ member has ever heard in their entire life. The background of religion that I place myself in rarely if ever maintains any real discussion on these so-called "gifts". So when this man whom I had chatted with the night before comes in and poses all these far out concepts of "intimacy with God" and "following when the Spirit leads" my brain naturally freaks out. For the first hour it felt like there were rocks in my ears; I did not hear most of what this man spoke. I could have been painted into the Charlie Brown cartoons as if I were in school, listening to a teacher: "Wah wah, wah wah wah wah." Nothing but jibberish.

Slowly after a necessitated snack break, I shook the rocks out of my ears and words began to retain meaning again.

Now that we have officially tabled our discussions until we officially practice them, I feel as though someone has taken a tiny little lunch box (you know the one with the cool superheroes on the outside) and is forcefully wedging a party size sandwich into it, maximizing the unavailable space in every nook and cranny of the pathetic pale. Processing has become difficult, mostly because of the massive amount of traffic scaring my brain at the moment.

Here goes nothing:
Spiritual gifts (i.e. word of wisdom, word of knowledge, prophesy, tongues, apostolic teaching in accordance with that of the apostles, etc) is all based out of two kinds of love. Primarily, the gift of healing, for example, comes from a deep connection and desire to glorify the Father. It is a grace, not because of anything we as humans have done, but simply out of a desire from God to enrich our lives in service to Him, to glorify His name alone. Second, these graces are given often out of an intense desire to help another person. In other words, when one person sees another in deep need of something (say healing), if the Holy Spirit so chooses to lead and the dense human grasps the presence of the Spirit, giving in to obedience, the human would then be gifted, at least for the moment with a healing, prayerful touch. This guy, Ray, offered to go as far as instant, visible healing. All of this because of a sweet, deep craving for the name of Christ to be glorified.

I am not sure I have succumb to all this craziness but the thought lingers; I've experienced some supernatural things before that I cannot explain. I have experienced (especially lately) a heavy prodding towards a growing and more powerful submission in faith, and have heard stories from men I trust as mentors and "spiritual giants". These men have labored tirelessly in the mission fields of Africa and returned with stories no American would believe. This cumulative procession of thoughts implores my hesitation to at least give ear to a deeper intimacy with God.

When drawing conclusions, on my throne of thought, a blessed seat that some call a toilet, I cannot help but inquire what if...? What if this intimacy with God is real? What if He really would have me so close that I can hear him whisper; a whisper so purposed that action must be taken? What could it hurt to find out? I am scared. I like it here in the comfort of controlled Christianity. I was just forming a relationship where I could control Christ as a weapon of personal gain. Now what is he doing? Using me for his personal gain? But that would mean... I am not the controller any more. Oh, crap; here we go.